it was recently brought to my attention that there are people in the world who, no matter how much you care about them, will hurt you. no matter how many times you forgive them of the faults that noone else forgives, no matter how many times you turn a blind eye and embrace the bad things in the hope that doing so will make them feel better, people will still hurt you, and will not think twice in doing so. this is the first time a friendship has truly ended. it's amazing that someone could be so blatantly selfish and hurtful and yet still whine about guilt and self-loathing. this friend of mine is looking for something he'll never find, trying to fix something, and he's willing to do anything for it. me and him go back a long way and his advice has always been shit. But he used to make me laugh and I never bothered if he was right. but it hasn't been fun in awhile. but sometimes at a party in another room from me i'll hear him laughing with his friends and I remember how it used to be.
nowadays i think he just loved to watch me play games. i know he loves to watch me lose them. i'd like to know when he decided i was so vile. i've tried. now he's hardly ever here, and when he is he's bored and chaste. i could apologize and say that it's half my fault but i'm not apologizing. that's all i've done for the past 6 months, and i've never been sure what i was apologizing for in the first place. maybe for letting myself care about someone who only cares about himself, who powers through friends while taking what he thinks he'll need from them. if we were having so much fun why did I spend the next two days in my bed wondering what it was all about. and as soon as i felt okay i knew it was time to start drinking again. he says he thinks we'll still be friends and i thought so too but now we both know that we won't. and all his friends, and there's a reason that all his friends here are girls, they'll laugh and smile as if they know something i don't. they should watch out, because i used to be just like them. last night he said it's too cold to go back to the lake. it feels like ages ago at the lake when we just sat and chatted. fell asleep and i got so burnt i could barely move for days. and then we staggered home, happy, tan and drunk. I just pretend it's a joke. i hate when you say you know me. you don't know me. what i hate even worse is how well i know you - you're no mystery. you refuse to acknowledge how much you can't stand who i am. i've been trying to tell you that. and i hate all your self-deprication and your self-centered songs. the space you've created between your words and your actions. all you've gained is a loss. no, i know it's not your fault. you said not to get involved. whatever makes you happy.
so i'll just give some last advice for both. when you ignore calls it might make you feel tall. But look at me, hey, look at me. you know I loved you in one way or another, obviously. and I don't want to spoil your fun but you don't have to hurt people. I saw you in the bar last night, you look so ugly now. you're always whining and full of shit.
baby, i quit i just can't fake it anymore i'm a dull, jaded, selfish, abusive disfunctional fuck-up i needed to be rescued i'm stranded on myself and i can't escape from this island i made i'm afraid i never will, oh no
So, on September 13th I got to see Sufjan Stevens at the Lakewood Theater in Dallas, TX (my parents moved to Dallas this summer. I don't know a soul, but it seems surprisingly great). Two weeks later, I had a photo pass to see him on the 26th in Milwaukee, WI (I'm a senior at Lawrence in Appleton, WI). In Dallas there was standing room so I could weasel my way up to the front and get some of my favorite pictures I've ever taken - in Milwaukee last night, it was a straight-up theater with seats right up to the stage, so despite the fact that I was one of the two photographers who seemed to have a pass, it was pretty hard to get shots comparable to the ones in Dallas. Maybe the reason nobody bothers is because kneeling down and trying to take pictures so the the theater full of choads behind you can see HURTS LIKE HELL. I still can't feel my knees. It was great to have it anyways though, and made me feel like a total mothafuckin badass (is that wrong?). Wait, just a second.
From Eskimo Folk-Tales collected by Knud Rasmussen translated and edited by W. Worster [London, 1921]
The Woman With the Iron Tail
There was once a woman who had an iron tail. And more than this, she was also an eater of men. When a stranger came to visit her, she would wait until her guest had fallen asleep, and then she would jump up in the air, and fall down upon the sleeping one, who was thus pierced through by her tail.
Once there came a man to her house. And he lay down to sleep. And when she thought he had fallen asleep, she jumped up, and coming over the place where he lay, dropped down upon him. But the man was not asleep at all, and he moved aside so that she fell down on a stone and broke her tail.
The man fled out to his kayak. And she ran after. When she reached him, she cried: "Oh, if I could only thrust my knife into him." And as she cried, the man nearly upset—for even her words had power. "Oh, if only I could send my harpoon through her," cried the man in return. And so great was the power of his words that she fell down on the spot.
And then the man rowed away, and the woman never killed anyone after that, for her tail was broken.
stephanie wille showed up in dallas as a surprise and i got it in the butt, as per usual in these types of social situations.
Tina P-Rez wrote at 1:14pm August 24th, 2006 annicka what is it about you and getting served from the rear by all your close friends?
kelsey's back at school now but she sure does love texas...jesus christ.
pretty much every night i'm at caitlin's house when her dogs, kipper and kobi (not pictured), are getting sleepy, and they let us do shit like this. they are the most amazing dogs i've ever met.
if there is one thing i regret missing this summer, it's the last reunion of the Thunda Booty Crew in appleton, wi. i mean, come on:
and now perez is leaving chicago to go back to mexico for 2 years and she won't be there in a month to take me downtown for the first time like she promised for three years, and stessi is in madison, maddy in the twin cities, and i'm afraid carrie is transferring because of these ambiguous facebook wall posts. which means 6 out of 9 are gone. this is beginning to feel frighteningly like sophomore year.
i accidentally missed my flight home from berlin because goddamn continental didn't email me to tell me that they moved the flight up 2 hours. i hadn't slept in 48 hours cause my final was due on sunday night and i've never missed my flight before and i had just spent my last 30 euros on a taxi from neukolln to tegel and i didn't have 1,000 euros to book another flight so i ended up bursting into tears in line at Tegel on an over-crowded monday morning that was so hot i wanted to shit. i haven't had any sort of upset or bad feeling since i've been here so i guess it was about time. so i dragged all my shit on to the ring bahn to shoneberg and went to carol's house and hung out with naomi, her daughter and the most hilarious 7 year old ever, while carol ran some errands. i left all my shit at her house and went out, intending to go to the martin gropius bau but now here i am on the fucking wireless. i'm just too tired to do anything else. i didn't sleep last night and now i'm nodding off with really nowhere to go until my flight tomorrow morning. that's not true i'm going back to my apartment when katrin and stephan get home from work but still. it's pretty weird, being back around my old "haunts" when i'd gotten all worked up yesterday about this being the last time i'm at yorkstrasse, or on the u7, or see my street, ect, for a while. it's sort of weird in general because for the past 6 months i've either been in berlin or being in berlin has loomed somewhere in the very near future and now i don't know when i will be back again. it is sad.
i had the most surreal experience of my life last night. i am very serious. this weekend is the love parade, the famous...well...i don't know how to describe it. It's part gay pride parade, part raver parade, part plain old sex parade, part love parade. People say that it's only kids from the country now, that it's really commercialized, that it's not the same as it was back in the day. That's what the kids in my program say, because that's what it said in the berlin guidebook we all have. Last night me, julianne, emily, nate and josh were supposed to meet at the ostbahnhof s-bahn platform at 11 to go to this club called maria. Emily, roommate of Julianne, texted me while I was on the train there to say that Julianne was sick and she was tired so they weren't going to go. Then Josh called, butt-ass wasted, to say that he was already too drunk to figure out how to get there. So it was just me and Nate at the platform, and long story short, he thought it was too weird for just the two of us to go dancing at a new club during Love Parade weekend. Ouch. So I said I was going to Alexanderplatz to go home to Neukolln, and he went home to Shoenburg. Jerk. I hadn't really done anything and was looking forward to actually going out, so I was kind of disappointed. I texted my friend Erica, who has been in Berlin since February, to see what she was up to. She replied with "I'm at a pre-Love Parade party. Go to Treptower Park S-Bahn and ask someone where Treptower Arena is. Bring like 40 bucks. I couldn't decide between going home and making the transfers to Treptower at 12 AM by myself. Plus 40 euro is a lot. But then i realized that I only have 3 weeks here left and unless I want to spend every night going to 8mm or some stupid club i need to take some chances. So I went. Tickets were 20 euro. I walk towards this huge warehouse, where a bunch of euro trash-looking people are milling around. I walk in, and the size of the place is terrifying. I can hear some house beat coming through the gaps in this huge black curtain - I follow along it feeling for a gap to slip through. And I find one, and it opens into an unspeakable scene. About 90% of the warehouse, which must have been an aircraft carrier, is fenced in by this curtain. Along one wall is a raised platform, the DJ in the center and people all around him (i'm assuming they paid for the 100 euro VIP passes). There are huge screens around the stage. And then, on the floor and on risers, there must be 2,000 people, all dancing like it's the end of the world. Now, I've never been to a rave, never was interesting to me, but this was insane. Even if I had had my camera I would never be able to describe this scene. I get a text from Erica saying that she'll meet me at the entrance, so I weave my way through the people and slip back through the black curtain into a comparably silent corridor. It was like pressing pause. I go to pee while waiting for Erica to meet me and girls are running their hair under the taps. We get some beers at the gigantic makeshift bar, and she tells me that she's here with two of her German friends. When we're done we go back in, almost to the front of the stage, and start dancing. It's 1:30. Paul Van Dyk starts spinning at at 3, and at 5:45, his set is climaxing, and everyone is losing their shit. Most of them have been there since 10pm. After his set I tell them that I'm going home, since I'm completely sweat-soaked and disgusting and don't want to have to subject the rush-hour commuters to that. I assume that it must be 330 or 4. The warehouse is still completely full of people dancing. I walk out towards the entrance and almost shit myself - the sun is fully up. It's 7am. there are people walking by going to work. I've heard people talk about how time stops when you're at a rave and how shocking it is to walk out into broad daylight when you think it's the middle of the night, but that shit did not prepare me for this. I stumble back to the S-Bahn and ride home with normal, well-adjusted people who woke up and took a shower and ate breakfast and are wearing dry clothes. I get home, take a shower, and fell into bed. I woke up at 5. Man, say what you will about raves and ravers and how corny and over that whole scene is/has been for awhile, , but everyone should have that experience at least once. I'm soooo glad I went. I also have a new appriciation for drum & bass and house djs. and Paul Van Dyk. And for the love parade. Man I wish i could describe it better. it's ironic because everyone always wants to go dancing and there's never anywhere good and the one night they don't come out i hit the motherlode.
going to the winnebago beach with maddy, caitlin, stess, and paul every other day for the past two weeks the drive to the beach watched dig! with paul while drinking either miller lite ol' gran-dad whiskey on the smee house couches every night for five days before i left what should have been an 11 hour drive from wi to pa turned into a 15 hour epic journey, spent mostly in the bowels of chicago construction went to see the wakes, my friend molly's bf's band, at the quiet storm. molly, chet, and their GWU friends came over to our house after the show to "party" since our parents were in europe still spent all sunday trying to make the car not smell like smoke monday i cleaned tuesday i got a new computer, a 15 inch mac book pro. i feel bad cos we have no money right now whatsoever. tuesday evening i found out that i got 350$ in overdraft fees on my epic journey home. i don't consider this my fault because all i bought was gas, coffee, and food - stuff i needed. never the less, it seems that my parents are cutting me off financially and closing my account that is attatched to theirs, so i will have to open my own account in berlin. this scares the shit out of me. today i am packing for the move to dallas. sunday i leave for berlin.
things are pretty fucked. every other hour i can't help but think how much i want to go back to lawrence. things are super weird here. if you want to see pictures of the last few weeks go to facebook. more later. i need a fucking smoke. it's been like 5 days.
everyone is off at the senior dinner, and walking home, passing freshman and sophomores that i don't know, i realized that this is what it's going to be like in two weeks. stess, maddy, cristina, emily, julian, a million others. it is unbearably sad to think of them not being here.
ah, the joy of using a computer with working speakers in the comfort of my own room! my powerbook bit the dust on friday afternoon (all that comes up when i turn it on are these insane color bars) and so i have to send it off to apple HQ tomorrow. i was panicked on friday at the prospect of no gawker, no music, no pinkisthenewblog, no way to do homework, and most importantly, no facebook, but i've actually found the past few days quite refreshing. that is to say, mentally refreshing, as the temperature has only gone below 90 degrees for a few minutes in the middle of the night and my dorm is not air-conditioned. i have also laid out friday, saturday, sunday, and today, and have gotten more and more burnt to the point where today i would have surely made small children cry, if only small children were present at downer. it's been great though, i'm rereading the Patrick O'Brian books --- WOOO! holy god, i forgot how much i love me some STEPHEN MATURIN! sweet jesus, and it ain't just because he's played by paul bettany in the movie adaptation - no, my love of maturin is far more meaningful than that.
Valuable and ingenious he might be, thought Jack, fixing him with his glass, but false he was too, and perjured. He had voluntarily sworn to have no truck with vampires, and there, attached to his bosom, spread over it and enfolded by one arm, was a greenish hairy thing, like a mat - a loathsome great vampire of the most poisonous kind, no doubt. 'I should have never believed it of him: his sacred oath in the morning watch and now he stuffs the ship with vampires; and God knows what is in that bag. No doubt he was tempted, but surely he might blush for his fall?'
No blush; nothing but a look of idiot delight as he came slowly up the side, hampered by his burden and comforting it in Portugese as he came. 'I am happy to see you were so successful, Dr. Maturin,' he said, looking down into the launch and canoes, loaded with glowing heaps of oranges and shaddocks, red meat, iguanas, bananas, greenstuff. 'But I am afraid no vampires can be allowed on board.'
'This is a sloth,' said Stephen, smiling at him. 'A three-toed sloth, the most affectionate, discriminating sloth you can imagine!' The sloth turned its round head, fixed its eyes on Jack, uttered a despairing wail and buried its grip to the strangling-point. 'Come, Jack, disengage his right arm if you please: you need not be afraid. Excellency, pary be so good - the left arm, gently disengaging the claws. There, there, my fine fellow. Handsomely, handsomely now, Jack; do not alarm the sloth, I beg.'
HAHAHAHAHA! Jack thinks that Stephen's sloth is a vampire and the sloth is TERRIFIED OF AUBREY!!! a bunch of other hilarious shit happens after than. go read the book. it's the third, H.M.S. Surprise. And what the hell, here's a picture of the man, the myth, and the legend:
anyways, now that i've spent an hour trolling google images for a picture of the surgeon that no longer exists, apparently, i should go do the work i actually borrowed Paul's computer for. shit.
siobhanallaidh: how are you feeling> somamotivated: good good....kinda shaky cuz i havent slept really siobhanallaidh: why not?!?!?! somamotivated: i just took a jacuzzi cuz it was too early to do anything, so i watched the life aquatic in the jacuzzi somamotivated: hahaha somamotivated: how funny is that siobhanallaidh: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA somamotivated: i put it on mom and dad's clothes hamper so it wouldn't fall into the tub somamotivated: uhhh yah siobhanallaidh: ahahhahaha somamotivated: hahaha shit somamotivated: welcome to my life 11:00 AM siobhanallaidh: ahhahahahahaha somamotivated: how're you doing though siobhanallaidh: good, this shit is killin me though somamotivated: what? somamotivated: drama? siobhanallaidh: no i mean siobhanallaidh: the huge crap i need to take within the next 15 seconds
1. death cab - brothers on a hotel bed 2. regina spektor - samson 3. 8bit bEtty - and i know that you're happy (ballad of the lonesome spaceboy) 4. kings of convenience - summer on the westhill 5. the zombies - the way i feel inside 6. scott walker - 30 century man 7. daft punk - something about us 8. rainer maria - terrified 9. julie dorion - will you still love me in... 10. the bad plus - velouria
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